


Let Go

by scarletrobins



Category: Peaky Blinders RPF, Tom Hardy - Fandom, cillian murphy - Fandom
Genre: Cheating, Cillian Murphy is a cutie, F/M, I just thought of this story idea, I respect all spouses and stuff, Light Smut, Peaky Blinders - Freeform, Shit goes down, Tom Hardy is amazing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:22:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24756967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarletrobins/pseuds/scarletrobins
Summary: They were the perfect couple. Everyone saw how much they loved each other. Everything was perfect. Then one day the relationship is ruined and they stop talking. Years later she gets an invitation to his wedding and on a whim she decides to go.I'm not trying to glorify cheating, this is just a story.
Relationships: Cillian Murphy/Reader, Tom Hardy/Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	1. Perfect Couple

Maja, Shey, and Sid stared at the couple in front of them with small smiles on their faces. 

The way Cillian sat pressed right up against Y/n. He crowded her space as he leant over her, kissing her cheek, her neck, whispering in her ear. Y/n giggled and smiled, holding his hand, kissing his jaw, his cheek, the top of his nose. He was so handsome. 

Her three friends had never seen her so happy. She was always rather conservative with men, and Cillian brought out this happiness within her that they loved seeing. Y/n and Cillian were the perfect couple in everyone's eyes. The way they held hands and cuddled and just live in their own bubble. Everyone thought they were perfect. 

"You know, I kinda hate you guys right now," Sid told them, Y/n and Cillian turning to face her with smiles on their faces.   
"What? Why?" Y/n asked, taking a sip coffee as she snuggled into Cillian's side.   
"Cause of that!" Sid exclaimed, "you guys are so cute and perfect, always cuddling and shit!" 

Y/n just sighed and kissed the side of Cillian's neck as he shifted, very slightly, away from her. No one else caught it, they had all gone back to their conversations, and she tried to catch his eye, but he wouldn't look at her face. 

The group talked for another half an hour before they dispersed and Y/n got into the passenger seat of Cillian's car. They begun the drive, and after five minutes or so, she spoke. 

"Are you ok?" She asked softly, turning to look at him.   
"What? Yeah, I'm fine," Cillian shook his head almost as if he was shaking away the question.   
"Don't say that, cause it's a lie. Any time someone brings up us being 'perfect,' you move away from me- and don't say that's not true because I know it is." she huffed softly and turned to look out the windshield. 

Cillian didn't say anything and it aggravated her even more. When they reached their house, she grabbed her pillow and duvet before moving to the couch. When Cillian finally saw what she had done, he growled in anger, grabbed his keys, and slammed the door behind him. Y/n cried quietly that night. 

*****

She was asleep by the time he came home with regrets laden on his shoulders. He wanted to wake her up, fall to her feet and beg for forgiveness, because he did love her. He did. It was a momentary lapse of judgement, something that seemed almost a need in the moment. 

She looked so peaceful, so quiet with every breath she took. He didn't have the heart to wake her and ruin her happiness. He'd leave it for now. 

Cillian took a shower, put his clothes in the wash and lay in the empty bed. His mind ran over the events of the day. The way the pressure hovered over his heart any time someone called them perfect. The way that woman at the bar caressed his arm, and the noises she made when he fucked her in the bathroom. Those weren't the noises he liked. He liked the one's his girl made. The soft whimpers, and the way she said his name like a prayer. Gosh, what had he done? 

*****

Cillian did it three more times. He never told her, just left the house anytime someone called them perfect, and went to Yvonne, the woman he used to make himself feel bad. The woman who made him flawed. He always regretted instantly. Every. Single. Time. But he didn't stop. 

Y/n was not dumb. She was not clueless. She was not ignorant. Every time he left the house and came back with rumpled clothes and the faint smell of a perfume that definitely was not hers. 

At first she let it happen. She prayed she was wrong and went to bed with hope. Then time passed and she couldn't handle it anymore. She couldn't go on ignoring the horrible ache in her heart. 

One night Cillian came home and saw her sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at her hands. 

"Are you ok?" He asked before noticing the suitcase on the bed behind her. "Are you going somewhere?" He asked hopefully, trying not to think about what this could mean.   
"Tell me I'm crazy," she finally whispered, voice as broken as the look in her eyes as she looked up at him finally. They were red and puffy and made his heart hurt. "Tell me I'm just going crazy and that it _is_ my perfume, and your shirts really weren't that rumpled."

Cillian dropped his head and let a tear escape after he heard the first sob leave her lips. 

"Why?" Was all she could get out after a minute, hands trembling as she stood up and grabbed her suitcase.   
"They all kept saying we were perfect, and I thought you'd expect me to be perfect as well and-and I couldn't be that man. I used it as an excuse to not be perfect," Cillian let out, walking over to where she was and dropping down next to where she had been sitting before. 

Y/n listened to every word he said, and clutched the bag tighter as her eyes burned even more. 

"When did I ever tell you I expected perfect?" She asked, though they both knew she wasn't expecting an answer. 

Y/n didn't even have the heart to say bye. She just walked out to her car and left. 

Cillian couldn't even run after her. He knew it was his own fault she was leaving. He knew he had to let her go, for her sake, but that didn't mean it didn't tear him apart. That didn't mean he didn't throw a vase at the wall and scream. 

Y/n drove all the way to Maja's house, and the second the blonde opened the door and saw the brunette mess, she engulfed her in a hug. 

When Y/n finally told her what happened, Maja almost cried with her. She had been so happy, they had been so perfect. Why? 

Maja told Y/n that they would live together from now on. At least that would be good. 


	2. A New Man and a Wedding Invitation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time has passed and our girl has a new man.

It had been three years. 

Y/n slammed the door then winced. 

"Sorry Maja," she shouted, slipping her shoes off and walking into the kitchen.   
"No problem, how was the date?" She asked mischievously, wiggling her eyebrows at the blushing brunette.   
"Amazing, as always. He's funny and all tough, but at the same time he's such a sweetheart." Y/n sighed dreamily and twirled around the kitchen.   
"Wooow, look at you! Twirling like a Disney princess in love," Maja laughed as Y/n hopped onto the counter and hummed quietly.   
"It is an innocent relationship, a simple... infatuation," Y/n mused, eyes sparkling with happiness for the first time in forever.

Maja smirked and raised an eyebrow, Y/n's eyes squinting in confusion. 

"So that wasn't you I just saw straddling Tom's lap and basically dry-humping each other while you made out like it was your last night on Earth?" Y/n hopped off the counter and smacked Maja on the arm hard.   
"Why were you watching?! Pervert!" Y/n huffed and walked toward the kitchen door connecting to the living room.   
"I just watched for a second! You guys just looked so happy!" Maja followed with a plate pop tarts and sat down on the couch.   
"Cool motive, still creepy," Y/n laughed, "I'll change, then movie marathon and we can talk?"  
"Sounds great," Maja smiled, turning back to the tv and waiting on the juicy details. "Oh! I completely forgot, you got some mail," Maja called, Y/n mumbling some affirmation. 

"Ok, I'm back," Y/n exclaimed, hopping onto the couch and pressing play on their Marvel movie marathon.   
"Spill!" Maja turned to her and passed the remaining pop tart to Y/n.   
"So Tom and I-"   
"Tom Hardy, who I still don't know how you got-"   
"ANYWAY! Tom took me out to a nice dinner, then he took me for a walk in the park, it was... sweet. He held my hand, made me laugh, I had fun. He drove me home and on the way back he was holding onto my thigh. Things got... tense and we started... making out. Long story short, I'm seeing him again tomorrow and things are probably escalate considering we're cooking dinner at his house." Y/n smiled nervously and took a bite of the pop tart. 

"I am so proud of you," Maja squealed, jumping on the couch.   
"He just, he makes me happy," Y/n let out, a small smile on her face as she opened her phone. 

"Hey," Maja began, catching Y/n's attention. "I know it's been hard the last couple of years after everything with Cillian, and you've been in a tough place but, um, I'm really proud of you. You got your life together, started your script writing and I'm just so grateful to have you back." Maja wiped away a tear that fell from her cheek and hugged Y/n. "And you seem so happy with Tom so, if it's ok with you, I'd like to meet him." 

Y/n nodded and held onto Maja's hands. 

"Of course, I'll talk to him and ask to set up a meeting," Y/n hugged Maja then pulled away and turned to the TV.   
"Here's the mail by the way," Maja handed Y/n a few papers then they both turned back to the tv. 

After the marathon was over and they headed their separate ways to their bedrooms. Y/n opened the first few letters and threw away the coupons that came out. Then came the piece of white, beautiful stationary. She opened it and found a wedding invite that had her heart stopping. 

_You are invited to the wedding between_

_Cillian Murphy_

_and_

_Yvonne O'Hara_

She had to take a deep breath. 

The thing about Cillian was, she'd never loved anyone as much as she had loved him. Now for some people, they would've gotten over it, but Y/n still felt the heartache and pain any time she saw him. 

In a weird way, that was why she had started watching Peaky Blinders. Seeing him was almost a reminiscing kind of thing, remembering how they used to be. 

With trembling hands, she turned over the card then shook the envelope. A small piece of card dropped out and she crossed her legs as she sat on the bed. She held the card in front of her face and tried to stop her hands from shaking. 

"To make things right," it said, and she knew instantly that it was him. It was his handwriting clear as day. 

She dropped the invite and the stupid return card on to the bedside table. Y/n lay on her bed and stared at the ceiling. "To make things right." What the shit. 'You know what,' she thought. 'I'm going. I'll go and I'll try and get past this, and-and I'll bring Tom. Yes,' she nodded and grabbed her phone and dialled the number. 

"Not had enough of me tonight?" Came the British, jovial, voice. She giggled and bit her lip.   
"I could never get enough of you," her reply made him smile and he chuckled gruffly into the phone.   
"You're too good to me sweetheart," he told her, wishing he was holding her.   
"Um, so, I got a wedding invitation for two weeks time and-um you obviously don't have to but-"   
"If you're trying to ask me to be your date, love, then my answer is yes," Tom interrupted, a smile on his face from how nervous she was.   
"Thanks," she sighed into the phone.   
"Love, I like you, I really like you, don't be so nervous."   
"I-I know, I really like you too, I'm just a worrier." She rubbed her forehead and turned onto her side.   
"How about," he began, the sound of his sheets shifting coming through the phone. "You hop into your car, drive over, and I finish what I started in the car?" He listened to the sharp intake of breath and the trembling breath she let out.   
"Gimme twenty minutes," she breathed before hanging up, her stomach fluttering as she thought of Tom. 

He was perfect. Everything she had ever hoped for, but the lingering memory of Cillian still poked at the back of her mind. The whole drive to Tom's place, all she saw was the wedding invite swimming in her vision. 

Let's just saw when she arrived, the only name she was screaming was Tom. 


	3. The Wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for a wedding

Two weeks flew by, Y/n and Tom became a couple. She used her time to buy a dress, and think about the moment she would see him. 

Tom had found out who's wedding it was, and laughed because he was invited as well. 

*****

The ceremony was beautiful. She had tried to smile, and clapped when they walked out, but she couldn't help but feel that her smile was strained. Then the reception came and she stayed glued to Tom's side. 

"You look so beautiful," he told her, smiling down at her as she grinned up at him.   
"You're too sweet," she leaned up and pressed her lips to his, heart warming when he hummed in content. 

Y/n's first thoughts when she saw Cillian for the first time was that he looked good. She knew that was not the best first thought but she couldn't help it. Then, her second thought, which was much more painful, was she the woman he had cheated on her with? 

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom, yeah? Be back in a jif," she smiled and nodded at Tom, kissing his cheek before he walked away. 

She stood around for a bit before she felt a presence behind her. Y/n turned around and felt her breath catch in her throat. He didn't smile, he just looked at her. His eyes ran over her face, her dress, everything. 

"Hi," she finally whispered, staring into his eyes. They were as blue as she remembered, still roiling with emotion. "I like this hair on you," she finally said. 

A small smirk pulled the corners of her lips, and she reached up to push a strand of hair out of his eyes. Just like she used to do. 

Cillian smiled softly and chuckled. 

"No one likes this haircut. Yvonne hated that I had to have it for the wedding," she quickly brought her hand down and cleared her throat.   
"Well, I was always different," she breathed out, looking out over the courtyard.   
"Yes, you still are I see, judging by the red feathers," he pointed to the embroidery on her dress and she chuckled. "It's nice to see you," he finally let out, the mood shifting.   
"It's actually pretty nice to see you too."   
"Look, I um," he began, eyes squinting lightly. "I know I have no right, but, um, I just wanted to set things right. I was hoping we could be friends. We had a good relationship, that went past just romance, and it would be nice to have a friend, who-who understands," he finished, rubbing the back of his neck. 

Y/n kind of stood still for a moment, staring at him to see if he was sincere. All she saw was their past. The times they'd spent curled up together reading a classic. The way he smirked at her from between her legs She saw everything, and before she could even think, she was nodding. 

""It'll be nice," she told him with a smile.   
"So, how've you been?" He asked with a smile, rubbing his hands together. "I know you got started with your writing."  
"Huh, yeah, I actually just got a job working with Steve Knight on Peaky Blinders." Cillian smiled brightly at her, and she couldn't help but smile back. "You're, um, you're the first person I've told. I haven't even told Tom yet."   
"Tom?" Cillian couldn't understand why his heart dropped.   
"Congratulations, mate!"

Tom walked up from behind Y/n and slipped his arm around her waist, tugging her closer. Y/n gasped and giggled. She looked up at Tom with bright eyes and he smiled down at her cheekily, making another giggle fall from her lips. 

"This is my boyfriend," she told Cillian, finally looking away from Tom. Y/n didn't want to it at first, but it was unavoidable.   
"Tom, I didn't know this was the girl you were raving about at work." Cillian swallowed and shoved his hands into his pockets.

Y/n blushed and turned back to Tom. 

"You talk about me at work? You are just a sweet and soft teddy bear," she smiled at him and kissed him cheek, Tom chuckling gruffly and bringing her lips to his. 

Cillian looked away with a heavy heart and waited for them to finish. Y/n quickly pulled away and hit Tom's chest, turning back to Cillian as Tom shifted her to stand in front of him. 

"Um, it was very nice to see you again, and I'll see you at work," Cillian waved slightly and walked away. 

Tom's eyebrows furrowed and he turned to Y/n. 

"What's he talkin' about, love?" He asked, thumb rubbing her waist. She rubbed over his chest softly.   
"I just got a job writing for Peaky Blinders," she smiled softly when she watched his eyes light up. Tom kissed her again, harder this time, and sighed softly.   
"I am so proud of you," she smiled and kissed him again. 

They stood like that for a little while, immersed in each other, kissing occasionally. Tom traced the butterfly tattoos on her forearm and smiled before walking her out of the hall and to the bathroom. 

"What are you doing?" She hissed at him, holding his hand tight as he locked the door to the bathroom then turned back to her.   
"Congratulating you," he whispered close to her face, eyes shining as he lifted her onto the counter and got down to his knees. 

Her breath trembled and she quickly reached over to hold his face. 

"Tom, we're at a wedding!" She squeaked quietly.   
"Yeah, so be quiet then," he smirked at her and brought his face forward, kissing her thighs softly as he breaths trembled sharply. When he began, she pulled her dress higher and made her bight down on it. 

After they finished up and spent ten minutes making out, they finally walked out feeling giddy and with red cheeks. They spent the night dancing, but Y/n could always feel eyes on the back of her neck. It didn't help that she kept glancing toward Cillian. 

Cillian couldn't help himself. She just looked so enticing. He couldn't look away from Y/n. His eyes were drawn to her and he would have to force himself to look away. She caught his eye a few times, and they would stare at each other for a moment, neither of their eyes betraying anything. 

Then they would look away. 


	4. Let's Go Out for A Drink

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used a scene from Peaky Blinders in this. That scene isn't mine, the amazing writers of the show wrote it, but I needed something to add to the story line so I'm just adding this disclaimer here.

Y/n has been happy. She was happy now and it felt good. 

Y/n rubbed a hand over her dress as she stared at the mirror. 

"Stop worrying for one second?" Tom said, walking up behind her in the mirror with raised eyebrows.   
"I'm nervous," she whined quietly, turning around and looking him in the eyes.   
"Look, love, you wrote today's episode and they loved it. They're even taking your story line further, you have nothing to be nervous about. Plus, you should be happy you get to see me all day," he smirked and it made her giggle. Tom could make her smile at any time and it was best thing ever.   
"Alright, alright," she breathed, kissing him lightly before pulling away and going to the kitchen as he finished dressing. 

  
"Can you guys stop freaky fucking at all hours?" Maja groaned as she shuffled into the kitchen behind Y/n.   
"We could, but where's the fun in that?" Y/n smirked and went back to sipping on her coffee.   
"I hate you," Maja grumbled, dropping onto a chair by the kitchen table. 

"Ready to go love?" Tom asked, walking into the kitchen.   
"Yup," Tom kissed her one more, waved at Maja, then they walked out of the house.

Y/n hummed along to the music playing in the car and it had Tom smiling. 

"You should sing more often," he finally said, her clothes turning red as she looked out the window.   
"Sorry, I was doing it again," she let out quietly.   
"Why are you apologising? I'm complimenting you, I like it." Tom stopped the car and turned to look at her seriously. "Listen, I don't know who hurt you so bad that you apologise for a compliment, but I am going to praise you and make you feel so special." 

Tom held her hands in his and stared into her eyes and she could do was hug him over the centre console and press her face into his neck. She pulled away and kissed him over and over till they had to go. 

*****

Y/n chewed on her lip and tapped the pencil against her thigh. She had been staring at the same page for the last ten minutes because she couldn't fucking. Pinpoint. What was wrong with it. 

"Here," came a voice from beside her, and she blinked and looked toward them with wide eyes. 

Cillian smiled softly and placed the can of Coke on the table. 

"You have your writers block face on and I thought you use this." She sighed and hit her head against the table once and then turned to him with pained eyes.   
"I can't find what's wrong with it, but something just doesn't fit, ugh!" 

Cillian pushed some of her hair back then brought her in for a hug. She hugged him back and took a deep breath in of his scent. For a moment she almost forgot the past three years, and she was back in his arms on their couch. 

They finally pulled away and she tried to smile at him. He took the can and opened it for her, handing it to her just like old times. 

"Ok, let's look at this together again," Cillian stood right behind her chair and leaned closer to the script. 

Y/n took a deep breath in and stared at a specific exchange between Tommy and Alfie. She shot up and ran to the direction leaving Cillian behind with a confused furrow in his brow. She chatted to him for a minute before she came back over with a bright smile. 

"I fixed it!" Y/n exclaimed happily, heart warming when Cillian smiled at her. 

"Alright everyone! Tom, Cillian, centre stage, we're filming Alfie and Tommy in the distillery. Y/n, go ahead," the director smiled at her and she smiled back at him.   
"Ok, so, um, Tommy's already sat down now and Alfie's talking. I changed the script a little so when Aberama comes in, Alfie says to Tommy 'When a pikey walks in with a haircut like that, you've got to ask yourself, if you've made a mistake.' Then Aberama will Alfie 'who the fuck are you?' Alfie responds 'who the fuck am I?' Then Aberama will direct 'who the fuck is this?' to Tommy. Is that clear?" She asked softly, wringing her hands nervously. 

They all nodded and she smiled at Tom as he winked, giving her a thumbs up making her giggle. 

She ran her eyes over to Cillian and he offered her a soft smile. Y/n moved to sit near the director and smiled when the scene came out exactly as she wanted. 

After the cut, Cillian walked over to her while Tom headed to Kraft services. 

"Hey, in honour of our new friendship, you want to grab a drink after? I know you don't drink but, um," Cillian rubbed the back of his neck and she beamed at him.   
"Yeah, that sounds great, um I can't believe you remembered." Cillian smiled and nodded before walking away. 

Y/n smiled and continued sipping at her coke. 

*****

Cillian stared into the mirror after he had gotten dressed. Was this ok? Why was he even questioning it? This was an innocent outing between friends, there was nothing remotely bad about it. Still, he wondered if she would like what he was wearing. 

Y/n hummed softly as she stared at the script for tomorrow. 

"Hey, love, you ready?" Tom asked, standing in front of her with his vape in hand. She grabbed it from him, took a drag, then blew towards the open air.   
"Mm, you're so sexy," Tom told her, leaning forward and kissing her softly. She giggled and stood up.   
"You go ahead, I, um," she paused. "I have some stuff do. I'll see you at home," she kissed him softly and sat down again as he nodded then said goodbye. 

Why did she do that? Why didn't she just tell him the truth? He was an amazing guy, he would've understood, right? 

She had no time to question her poor life decisions as Cillian walked up, gesturing for them to get going. 

It felt weird being in his car again. Everything felt rather odd, and she had to stop herself from bringing up the memories. Nothing was the same. 


	5. Problems and Really Bad Solutions

They sat beside each other at the bar, stools twisted to face each other. Y/n kept one hand around her can of coke and watched Cillian take a sip of the drink the bartender had just slipped over to him. 

"So, we didn't get to talk much at the wedding, what's going on in your life?" He asked, eyes doing that slight squinty thing she loved.   
"Well, I kinda bounced a bit? Took a few different jobs here and there. Then I kinda just stayed at home and wrote for about a month and I sold my first script. From then on a bucket load of inspiration's kinda just been pouring out." She nodded and took a sip, throat slightly parched. "Um, what about you?" 

Cillian hummed for a moment, thinking of what to say. 

"I was busy with acting jobs most of the time, and after a while I-" he paused, searching for the right word. "Reconnected with Yvonne and... now I'm married."

He didn't have to say it for her to know who Yvonne was. Just the way he lightly grimaced after the word 'reconnected' had said it all. She took a gulp of her drink, resenting the fact that she couldn't drown herself in alcohol. 

They spent the rest of the time just talking casually about their days, almost as if they were rediscovering each other. 

"We should make this a tradition," Cillian began as they stopped laughing at an old memory.

He was nervous to say it, but he wanted to do it again, and it would be even better if he could be sure it would keep happening again. 

"Yeah, that actually sounds fun," she told him with a smile. 

They paid for their drinks and walked out, getting into Cillian's car ash he sped off in the direction of her home where Maja was surely waiting with the movie marathon ready. 

*****

Tears clogged her eyes as she slammed the door behind her. Y/n and Tom had just gotten in a huge argument and... hurtful words were said. Her chest felt tight and she wanted to scream. 

*****

Cillian did not want to deal with this. Yvonne was just, ugh! He had to leave the house before he said something he'd regret. He slammed the door behind him and got into his car.

*****

Y/n wiped at her eyes as she walked down the street. There was one thing that was on her mind now that she was trying to forget the fight. Her phone began to ring and she answered without looking at the caller ID 

"Hello," she answered, voice quivering from the tears.   
"You wanna go to the bar?" Came Cillian's voice, his own sounding huffy and rough.   
"Sure," she replied softly, looking up to realise that she wasn't even that far from their regular bar.   
"You alright?" Cillian asked, driving angrily through the streets toward the bar.   
"No, you?" She asked softly, rubbing her forehead and stepping onto the street the bar was on.   
"No," he replied, sighing and turning onto the street and parking. 

Y/n reached the entrance just as he did and tried to smile at him. He instantly saw her red, puffy, eyes and sniffly little nose and wondered what the hell happened. 

Y/n noticed the way his hair looked as if his hand had run through it a hundred times and how his cheeks were red in annoyance. 

"Come on," he sighed, opening the door for her and settling into their usual seats. 

She dropped her head onto her arms and pressed her face into them for a moment. 

"What's wrong?" He asked gently, pushing hair away from her face and behind her ear.

They had always been touchy with each other, brushing each other's hair back, stroking each other's cheeks lightly. They had always been like that before, old habits die hard. 

"Tom and I got in a really bad argument. Why do all my relationships suck? Is it me?" She sat up and turned to him with wide watery eyes. 

God, Cillian just wanted to kiss her and hide her away from the world. 

"It's really not you, if it helps, Yvonne and I had a huge argument as well," he mimicked her position and they just stared into each other's eyes.   
"It is me though, look what happened to us," she mumbled after returning to her previous position.   
"That really wasn't you," he began, shifting closer and running a finger over her cheekbone.   
"But wasn't it?" She looked at him with agony in her eyes and he felt his heart tear apart in pain.   
"It was not your fault. I couldn't handle my own shit and.... and it ended up hurting the one person I cared about most," Cillian's eyes portrayed his sincerity and she nodded, sniffling softly. 

They had both moved closer to each other, and secretly revelled in each other's warmth. Her breaths trembled and she stared down at the bar. 

"I loved you so much," she whispered, not being able to look him in the eye. "I had loved you so much and I was devastated after, and I um," she sighed and looked up at him, his eyes clouded with emotion. "You really hurt me," she finally whispered, their faces now so close that they could feel each other's breaths fan over their lips. 

"You are the biggest regret of my life. I regret everything I did to hurt you, and most of all, I regret losing you." He told her, hand continuing to caress her cheek. 

The atmosphere was thick with tension and Y/n cleared her throat and stood up. 

"I need the bathroom, I'll be, um, I'll be back," she got up off the stool and rushed to the bathroom. 

It was a single stall situation and she locked the door before running the sink. She let out a sigh before splashing her face. 

What was she doing? It was like his eyes were pulling her in and all she could do was feel the love from before simmering up. All she wanted to do was scream. She turned off the sink and dried her face before moving to unlock the door. 

Y/n walked into the dark hall where the bathroom was and looked up just as Cillian walked to her with a determined look on his face. He pushed her back against the wall and pressed his lips to hers. 


	6. Think About What You're Doing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut warning

Her breath caught in her throat and she stood still as a statue. Cillian's hands held her waist tight in both hands. Their eyes had closed and she slowly began to melt into the familiarity of the kiss. Her hands moved up slowly and wrapped around his strong torso. 

They pulled away a millimetre so she could take a deep breath in and she pressed even harder against him. Their kisses began to become more feverish and their hands began to roam. Both of them were lost in the feeling, the familiarity that they loved so much. The way he clutched her hips tight in his hands, pressing her waist to his. 

They could remember everything, the fact that he was her first, the way he could be so gentle with her, yet rough and dominant at the same time. 

He pulled away and pushed her through the door, their breaths heavy as he locked the door and ran back to her. Cillian pushed her onto the sink counter and stepped between her legs, kissing her hard and pushing her skirt farther up. 

She gasped when his lips moved to her neck and his fingertips pressed against the crotch of her panties. He was too desperate, as was she, and ripped the panties right from her hips. He unzipped his pants as she kissed softly at his neck and he pressed himself into her. They both sighed in pleasure and he began to rut into her. They both clung tight to each other in the throes of pleasure, consequences be damned. 

After they both had reached their highs, they sat there, trying to calm their breaths as they sat there pressed against each other. His face was buried in her neck and her hands were wrapped tight around his wist as her breaths rattled over his shoulder. 

"What did we do?" She finally whispered, shifting to press her forehead into his shoulder. His hands splayed over her back and slowly they pulled away, just enough to be face to face. Slowly, hesitantly, he pressed their lips together, kissing her softly and slowly, a heavy contrast to their previous hurried motions. 

They spent a good ten minutes just kissing, revelling in the soft motions as they immersed themselves in each other. They kissed until the need for air became debilitating then pulled away. Finally, in the haze, they whispered simultaneously, "I missed you." 

*****

The couple gathered themselves before walking out, bodies pressed close to each other. Both of them felt... confused. 

On the one hand, it had felt so good to be back with each other. To feel each other and bask in the familiarity. 

On the other, they had commitments. They had both made promises to people that they cared for. Shame, heartache, freedom, warmth, all conflicting and writing between them. 

She fell into the passenger seat of Cillian's car and stared at the windshield. 

"I- what," she sighed then turned to face him. "What are we doing?" 

Cillian hesitantly reached over and held her hand, and she contemplated pulling away, but eventually decided against it. 

"I don't know," he finally said with a sigh, free hand rubbing his forehead slightly. "But I know we need time to figure this out. We just need to have a date." She furrowed her brows and shifted to face him.   
"Cilly, you're married," she began, throat beginning to clog up and chest beginning to tighten.

He didn't know if his heart soared when she said his old nickname, or if he wanted to cry and kiss her till they were out of breath again. 

"And I'm- I'm in a relationship with someone I don't want to hurt as bad as how I was hurt b-before," she looked away from him at the end and he could only feel his regret, and he knew he would regret it forever.   
"I know that, I know that, but just as a trial? A few dates, and if we're serious about this then we go break it off." Was he seriously somehow convincing her? She knew deep down it wasn't because of his suggestion. She knew it was because of the temptation, the need for feeling him again now that she'd had a taste, and, in the deepest, darkest part of herself, a little revenge on Tom for the pain from tonight because damn did those wounds run deep.   
"O-ok," she said hesitantly, instantly wanting to smack herself. 

This was a stupid thing to do, most likely the dumbest decision she's probably ever made. 

*****

Cillian drove her to her house and kissed her softly before letting her go. Aside from the slight dread he felt, he felt this overall warmth that he had her back, the one woman he truly ever loved. 

Y/n walked into the house almost like a zombie. So much had happened and she couldn't choose what to feel, but then Maja walked into the hall where she was standing staring blankly at the wall, and Y/n couldn't hold in her tears any longer. Maja rushed to her and brought her in close for a tight hug. 

"Tom called looking for you," she whispered, but that only made her heart clench further.   
"I did something stupid," Y/n let out quietly. "And I'm afraid I've agreed to keep doing something stupid." 

Maja stood still for a minute, letting Y/n's words sink in. Then she brought the crying girl to the couch and sat down in front of her. 

"What did you do?" The blonde asked, getting worried even further at the girl's hesitation. 

Y/n wiped her tears and took a deep breath in, fiddling with her fingers before she got the courage to look Maja in the eye. 

"I had sex with Cillian," she exclaimed quickly, clenching one eye shut and watching for Maja's reaction with the other.   
"What?! Why?!" Maja bellowed, looking at the brunette as if she had gone crazy.   
"I had just gotten in this huge argument with Tom, like a really bad one, and we've been meeting up once every week at this bar and today it got... emotional and we kinda just ended up having sex in the bathroom." Y/n hung her head in shame and sighed. "And we kinda decided to just go on dates on the dl to just try things out." 

Y/n could only feel dread now that Maja had gone quiet. 

"You remember how bad he hurt you last time?" Maja finally spoke, tone quiet and meaningful. "You cried so much, and you hated life for a long while. You took so long to finally be able to go out on dates, and I don't know what this argument is about but I know that Tom is good for you. I can't dictate your life but I will support you." Maja offered Y/n a reassuring smile and then let her body drop against the side of the couch. 

"I think I might do it," she said quietly, looking to Maja through her lashes. "That makes me a bad person doesn't it?"  
"Maybe, but if it'll make you happy then do it." Maja shifted to sit right next to Y/n and dropped her head onto Y/n's shoulder. "If he hurts you again, I'm gonna cut out his tongue, wrap it around his dick, then pull it off." 

Y/n let out a soft giggle and nodded, pulling away so she could hug Maja properly. 

"Thanks," she whispered. 


	7. We Need To Talk About Last Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry about the long ass chapter
> 
> also, another smut warning

Y/n had overslept and was pulling on her shoes as she ran out of the house. When she arrived, just on time, and clipping her hair up she avoided eye contact with both the men in her life. She sat down and began to read through the scripts for the next episode. Y/n kept all her energy into not glancing at each of them and had to read the last few paragraphs over and over. 

"Hey," she heard from behind her and she clenched her eyes shut for a moment before turning around to look into Tom's wary eyes. "You didn't come home last night." 

Y/n wanted to aw at the fact that his apartment had become home, but the anger from before was still bubbling away beneath her skin. 

"I did go home, my home," she said, turning back to her desk before his arm her shoulder stopped her.   
"Come one, we need to talk," he began, voice near pleading. She sighed and turned back around, looking at his pleading eyes.   
"Later," she told him, turning back around and rubbing at the corners of her eyes in case any tears came out. She heard Tom grumble out something between argument and annoyance before leaving her presence, the weight quickly falling from her shoulders. 

They had soon begun filming and she got a few hours of peace before 'Later' arrived. Y/n had taken to rolling her shoulders every few seconds in hopes that the tensions would fall off her back, but all that did was give her warm shoulders. 

"It's later," Tom spoke, startling her and making the pen drop from her hand as her body momentarily convulsed in fear.   
"Don't... scare me like that! She exclaimed, hand pressed to her heart, hoping it would calm down.   
"Sorry," he let out gruffly, before stepping just the slightest bit closer. "Come on, we need to talk about last night." 

In the stupidity that would forever cloud her brain, she was about to laugh at the reference of the Kevin Hart movie, but she decided against it. This wasn't the time. 

Y/n shifted her eyes from their blank stare at his chest to his face, and she nodded, slowly standing up and moving to push her chair in and grab her bag, Tom desperately wanted to grab her hand and walk like old times but he could feel the anger still simmering. 

They walked side by side to the parking lot, moving close enough to know the other was there but not close enough to touch, not even an accidental brush of the arm. When they reached Tom's car, she looked up and surveyed the parking lot for a second. She caught Cillian's eye and he offered her the smallest of smiles, one which she just couldn't return. 

The couple settled into Tom's car and he drove back to his place, her steps leading her to the kitchen as soon as the door was open. She begun to brew some tea, knowing the British in him would have done it anyway. They eventually sat across from each other on the couch, Y/n steeling herself to look at him with zero emotion on her face, however hard it was. 

"You were petty, jealous, and rude," she finally stated, taking a sip of her tea to clear her throat in case her voice began to waver with her resolve.   
"I know," he agreed. 

What? That easy? Her brows furrowed and she set her cup down, an awkward mix of confusion, joy, and dread settling within her. The world's worst cocktail, though it felt more like a mocktail considering how her heart and life constantly mocker her. 

"I'm really sorry sweetheart, I promise I didn't mean anything I said," Tom begged, shuffling close enough to comfortably weep his hands around hers on the mug.   
"O-ok," she let out, feeling rather dazed from this sudden apology and admission of guilt. 

Tom smiled at her and leaned forward to kiss her. She didn't have time to dodge out of guilt and let him kiss her. He pulled away and placed her cup on the coffee table before pulling her to straddle him, a gasp coming from her lips. 

Y/n continued to kiss him, using the soft pillowy feeling of his lips as a way to forget the heinous act of the night before. 

Tom's hands gripped her waist tighter, pressing her down and moving her back and forth. Soon her hips began undulating on their own and their kisses were basically just them panting into each other's mouths. His hands began to move up slowly, her shirt pushing up with it. 

Soon her bra became visible and they paused their kiss to remove her shirt. They quickly disposed of his as well and he began to lay her back on the couch, kissing and sucking at the skin of her neck. 

Her eyes stayed closed, another way to avoid the guilt as he unbuttoned her pants and began to shimmy them off her. She let her hands roam up the skin of his back, a small moan of appreciation falling from him against the skin between her breasts. 

He began to slide his pants off along with his underwear, both their minds now lost in a haze of pleasure. Once the last of his clothes were off, he pressed himself into the silky warmth between her legs and they both let out sighs of pleasure. 

He thrust into her at a steady pace, trying to make sure she was as comfortable as she could be on the couch. Y/n clung tight to Tom and pressed her lips to his neck, his jaw, his cheek, finally bringing them to his lips to kiss him with all the feelings she had for him. Tom pulled away and moaned her name softly. 

"Y/n! I love you," her eyes shot open and she clenched around him, a distraction that luckily worked. She didn't know how to respond. 

Did she love him? Well yes, but... Cillian. Then... she made another mistake. 

"I love you too," she whispered, cupping his neck when he thrust in again and looked up at her with shining eyes. 

He pressed their foreheads together and kissed her slowly. It went from makeup sex to intense heavy love making in an instant. 

When they had both tired each other out (now having moved to the bed room) they lay in bed, slowly falling asleep. Well, Tom was falling asleep, but even in her exhaustion, Y/n couldn't fall asleep. 

So much was running through her mind that she felt like she might scream. After she was sure Tom had fallen asleep, she slipped out and went for a walk. What else could she do when it felt like her mind would implode on itself? 

Being the idiot that she was, she left her jacket at home and grabbed only her phone before she set out. What had she been thinking when she slept with Cillian? Well obviously she wasn't thinking. 

The sky had begun to darken and she walked staring at the setting sun. So many colours, such tranquility. A breeze curled over her and she sighed in pleasure, revelling in the cold.

She had always liked it. Freezing showers, shorts on a wintery day, all of it was pleasing to her. Sometimes she brought up this philosophy? Concept? Thought? That with the cold came clarity. Her mind always felt clearer in the cold and it just... she never had words to describe that feeling. 

There was a bench up ahead with a killer view, calling to her. Y/n sat down, crossed her legs, and stared at the sunset. 

***Flashback***

She had been sat exactly like that, on a bench in a very similar place. It had been a tough day, writers block making it impossible to finish writing another script. 

She had sold a few, but nothing big enough to warrant big attention. Today have been extra rough though. 

A fight with Sid had kept her on edge all day, the distance from Maja was eating away at her again, and the constant pressure from her parents definitely hadn't let up today either. If anything, it had been worse today than it had been on other days. 

The sounds coming from the approaching footsteps had not registered to her, and she didn't notice the man till he sat in front of her. He didn't say anything, wasn't even facing her though she was facing him with her crossed legs. He just stared out in front of him, blue eyes squinted, and did nothing. 

Then, after a good twenty minutes had passed, he turned to her and offered her the single daisy that was held in his hand. Y/n hadn't noticed it before, and the flower had begun to droop with time, but she took it anyway. Her head dropped slightly to stare at it, and she studied it with wide blank eyes. After a certain point she didn't even see the daisy anymore, just the symbol it could represent to her, and she took in a deep, shuddering breath of the cool air, a new clarity shirting from her lungs to her mind. 

Y/n moved her gaze from the daisy to the man. His hair was black, jet black, and looked thick and soft. Pale skin was stretched over prominent cheekbones. Freckles lay flecked over the skin and while others might have considered them a flaw, Y/n could only see the beauty in them. They were like flecked paint from an artist's brush, something that only accentuated the work in the best of ways. 

She caught a glimpse of the blue in his eyes, and she wondered if she had ever seen anything like it before. Surely not, considering she would've remembered the way his eyes made her feel breathless now that they were trained on her in return. She had always been rather awkward with eye contact, but she didn't mind this. It felt... odd, but it was ok. It was a comforting kid of odd that had them staring at each other. 

The soft flecks of darker blues and lighter blues all around his eyes kept her attention. It was just so... mesmerising, like staring into the ocean with a blue kaleidoscope. 

When her deep examination of every colour in his eyes had finished, she moved onto other features. The slope of his nose, his thick full lips, strong looking fingers now resting in his lap. He had broad shoulders but not too broad, an almost lithe physique. There was definition to his arms and legs and only now did she realise that he was in a simple t-shirt and jeans. Just like hers. His shirt was plain black, a contrast to her white, and he wore dark wash jeans and black shoes. After having examined his clothes, her eyes were called right back to his face, just to watch him as he watched her. 

Cillian didn't let his gaze stray from this woman's face. The little mole about a fingers width from her nose. The brown of her eyes and how they looked like pools of honey in the fading light. The wisps of dark curly hair that framed her face, one or two now having fallen in front of her face, made her look like a child. 

She was younger than him, he could see it in the way she held herself, and her skin and her features. She was quite a bit younger than him, but even then, there was... something. The look in her eyes, maybe, or the gentle way her fingers held the daisy. He couldn't pinpoint what it was, but something just called to him. 

When their eyes met again, he shifted closer to her, just slightly and hesitantly reached out. Y/n's eyes shifted down to look at his approaching hand. He carefully gripped one of hers, and that was it. He didn't try to push himself on her, or hurt her, he just held her hand. Y/n had still been wary, he was a stranger but it was almost a sixth sense that she knew he wouldn't hurt her, not ever. 

The daisy spun between her fingers as she rolled the stem and stared at it, gathering the courage to finally hold his hand properly. 

Before this moment she had always been awkward around strangers. It wasn't about being an antisocial person, she just always got nervous meeting new people, it instilled an absolutely irrational fear within her that she prayed wouldn't eventually lead to the development of agoraphobia. 

"I'm Y/n," she finally whispered into the still air. Neither of them moved still, nothing much changed. 

Her body loosened up slightly (though she hadn't realised it had tensed up in the first place) because the mood hadn't been ruined. 

It hayed stayed silent for a while longer, Cillian's eyes now trained on the daisy just like hers. 

"Cillian," he finally said, eyes moving back to hers. She didn't return his gaze for a moment, then moved her eyes ip and moved to sit even closer to him. 

There was a new light in her eyes and it made him feel better. He held onto her other hand as well and smiled at her, and in that small instant, it felt like her world had been lit up with fairy lights. 

"You know it's night time right?" She decided to point out. "Which is the time people usually eat dinner?" 

Y/n hoped that he understood what she was hinting at. Luckily, Y/n had been able to get it through to him. Cillian nodded at her, his own lips pulled into a smile, the lightest pink blush filling the apples of his cheeks. 

"I know a nice restaurant nearby, very quiet," he told her softly, mischief in their eyes reflecting to each other. She nodded and they stood up together. 

***Flashback Over***

The orange had begun to slowly bleed out of the sky, but she stayed there. They never really talked about the daisy, but every year, without fail, on that day, he would buy her a daisy. Even after they broke up, on that day every year, she would get a daisy in the mail. That was actually coming up... hm. 

Her thoughts slowly transitioned to Tom. The way his eyes lit up with happiness, especially when he talked about something he was passionate about. His sense of humour, something that was so refreshing to her, especially when they first met. 

***Flashback***

Y/n sighed as she wiped some oil from her hands with a rag, though it didn't really help. Why again did she agree to help out at Rosa's garage? She went over to the table and grabbed her water bottle before she heard footsteps. 

"Rosa! Where are ya?!" Someone yelled, a small smile making its way onto her face. This happened much too often while Rosa was gone for coffee. 

"Not here," Y/n said back as the man came into view. She tried not to freak out, because oh my god, that was Tom Hardy. "She went out for coffee, should be back soon." Y/n offered him a soft smile and walked closer.   
"Ah," he let out, nodding and stroking his light beard. "Tom," he introduced thrusting out his hand to shake hers.   
"I would but..." she trailed off and showed him the oil on her hands. He nodded in reply and chuckled.   
"Also, I'm Y/n and, heh, I know who you are," she nervously scratched at the back of her head. He chuckled and nodded, but before he could say anything else Rosa walked in. 

"Hey, I saw your car outside, I was wondering when you'd drop by," Rosa smiled at Tom.   
"This is Y/n, she helps out around here sometimes-"   
"Which I still don't get why you allowed, considering I have no official experience or anything," Y/n interrupted, a cheeky smile on her face. 

Rosa just punched Y/n in the arm and turned back to Tom with a scoff as Y/n grumbled an 'ow.'

Y/n remembered what she had been wearing that day. A shirt tied at the stomach exposing a few of her tattoos, and jeans that had grease stains, yet he still only looked at her face out of respect. 

She shot him a smile when Rosa began to lead him to her office, and he turned to look at her one last time. She went back to her work, and didn't even realise he had left, but that memory stuck with her all week. 

She even remembered it as she walked into her new job as a reviewer and re-writer for the scripts of the show Taboo. Then she remembered it extra vividly as she walked into the writing room and she saw him sat in the head chair talking to another of the writers. He had a smile on his face and when others noticed her entry, so did he. 

Tom's eyes widened and he stood up, walking toward her as the others in the room went back to their conversations. 

"You're Y/n Y/l/n?" He asked, voice laden with surprise. She nodded as she slipped off her bag and smiled at him with a ludicrous expression.   
"I... didn't know this was your project," she finally said, looking at the others in the room sweepingly, quickly returning her eyes back to him.   
"Yeah, yeah," he gestured around the room with a small smile that made her giggle. That small sound, so beautiful and gentle, brought forth this warmth and fluttering in his heart that he just couldn't ignore. That he didn't WANT to ignore. 

"Hey, um, after work, would you wanna grab a bite to eat?" Tom asked her, scratching the back of his head as a nervous gesture. 

A bunch of thoughts ran through her mind all at once. The first was something along the lines of "am I even ready to date again?" The second was "it's been three years, if you can't suck it up then... uff." The third was rather stupid, and had her wondering if she looked like an idiot pondering for so long. 

Tom was getting nervous, and was about to start rambling and walking away when she grabbed onto his arm suddenly. 

"Yes! I'd-I'd love to!" She told him sincerely, hands slowly moving off of his to cross over her own chest. 

They smiled at each other, his large and goofy making her own widen. 

Tom shoved a man from the seat next to his away, and helped her settle down, not being able to pull his eyes away from her all throughout the session. It didn't help that she had wonderful ideas, which only meant that he stared at her more often. 

***Flashback Over***

Y/n screamed behind clenched teeth and pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes as her brain throbbed. What was she even doing? What was she even trying to think about? AAAH! 

It had been quiet, and now she could hear the footsteps coming closer. Someone sat down in front of her, but she didn't look at them yet. When she finally did remove her hands from her eyes, she saw the familiar clothes, and let her eyes wander up. 

He wasn't looking at her, just like when they met. She let her eyes wander up to the side of his face, the early nineteen hundreds haircut, then back down to his hands clutched tight around the stem of a flower. How did he even get his hands on a sunflower? 

Cillian didn't even turn to look at her, he just moved his hand to the side and offered her the flower. No words, no other expectations, just the simple offering of a sunflower. 

She took. it, fingers gingerly reaching out and wrapping around the stem of the sun flower. Still, neither of them said a thing. 

She sat there, in the fading light of the evening, staring at a sunflower. They were supposed to symbolise hope, and happiness, the brightness of the summer time. Now all she saw as she stared at the yellow petals, was sadness, and utter despair. 


	8. The End

Y/n had gotten up and walked off, headed toward the house but... she didn't feel right. There was something weighing on her heart, but al she knew was that she had to turn back. 

When she reached the bench again, he was still there, sat as before, but he was staring at the spot she had previously been occupying. Y/n walked over to him and sat down, moving her right hand to hold one of his. Cillian didn't say anything, he just rubbed his thumb over her knuckles and stared at their joined hands. 

"I can't hurt him," she whispered, "I love him." Tears clouded her eyes and she clenched them shut, holding his hand tighter. "And while I may have... feelings," she forced out," for you, I-I won't be someone's mistress. You're married, I won't be a home-wrecker. I won't." She ended her sentence firmly, and finally turned to look at him with red puffy eyes wet with tears. 

Cillian didn't say anything. He didn't know what to say. How were you even supposed to answer that? Yes, he was married. Yes, he had strong feelings for her, feelings he couldn't even explain explain to himself sometimes. And yes, he was doing something wrong, something very wrong, but... he didn't want to stop. He didn't want to let her go, let her slip through his fingers all over again, just like... just like before. 

"But I love you too," he whispered, voice so heavy with pain and anguish it made her heart clench.   
"Just because we might love each other, does NOT mean we can go around ruining other people's lives!" She let go of his hand and stood up. 

All the emotions that riled within her, anger primarily, made her throw the sunflower at the bench. 

Cillian followed it's trajectory but didn't continue staring at it after the bright, but not completely uncrumpled, sunflower. 

"But doesn't love mean we should fight?! Doesn't it mean we should try and fight for what we have?!" Cilian's anger made his face turn red, and he stood up aggressively, crowding her space. She turned her head up to look at him with fire in her eyes mirroring his own.   
"I don't have the energy to fight anymore Cillian! I-I can't anymore! I just... I can't," her shoulders drooped and she fell to her knees on the sidewalk with a heavy breath as she tried to choke back her sobs. Cillian dropped to the floor with her but he didn't touch her. Not yet, he just couldn't. 

This night had become such a whirlwind of emotions that both of them could feel the exhaustion pummelling them. 

"I love him, and he makes me happy," she finally whispered, looking up to him with eyes so riddled with pain that he had to look, heart clenching sadly. 

"Don't I make you happy?" He asked forlornly, hand finally coming to stroke her cheek as he cupped it gently.   
"You aren't supposed to," she cried, leaning into the warmth of his hand as the flood of tears made her cheeps damp.

Her body shook violently and she leaned forward, pressing her forehead into his shoulder. She wrapped her arms around him and pressed their bodies together. Her wrapped her up in his arms and pressed soft kisses to her hair. 

She pulled back and pressed her lips to his hungrily. Y/n attacked his lips in a bruising kiss, breaths heaving against each other's mouths. Their hands clawed at each other, holding each other as close as physically possible. 

The kiss was desperate. It was harsh and hurried. A goodbye kiss, and Cillian didn't know that. 

Y/n didn't pull away till her lungs had burned out, her mind felt woozy, and her vision started to blacken at the edges. Then, with damp cheeks and a heart filled with sorrow and regret, she kissed his cheek, stood up, grabbed the sun flower and walked away from the first true love of her life. 

Cillian stayed on his knees in front of the bench for the next ten minutes. He couldn't wrap his head around it. He didn't WANT to wrap his head around it. 

She left. She just... left. All their love and history, albeit rocky and full of pain-filled gaps was still important. How could she just let go of all that? 

After the pain in his knees became unbearable, he moved to sit on the bench. 

He could tell Tom. He could ruin the relationship so she would have to come back to him. No, he could never do that. However much he wanted her, he would never intentionally ruin her happiness. Not after how horrible it felt last time. 

He couldn't do anything. There was nothing he could do to get her back. And when that hit, it made him break. A scream tore from his throat and disturbed the night sky. He screamed, and screamed, and screamed, till his throat was raw and burned with pain. That pain was nothing compared to the ripping and shredding of every cell that made up his heart. It felt like someone had carved it out then slowly torn it into tiny pieces. 

Cillian drove home to his wife. He kissed her on the cheek, then went to bed. All he wanted and needed was sleep. 

Y/n had dropped the sunflower into a vase and sat on the couch staring at her hands for a good hour. 

She would lock it away. Lock this whole experience, affair, rendezvous, whatever you wanna call it, away into the depths of her heart never to be seen again. No one would know, only her and Cillian, and that would be it. She would go on living her life with the man she loved and none would be the wiser. 

Tom woke up a little while later, confused as to why she wasn't in bed. He walked out to the living room and smiled at the sight of her, the previous memories of the day clogging his mind. 

"Hey, love," he whispered not wanting to disturb the silent mood.

He sat down next to her, tattoo clad chest and arms on display as he rested his warm hand on her thigh in concern. 

She turned to look at him with blank eyes and smiled at him. His eyes were a softer blue. Cillian's eyes were a harsh blue like ice or crystals. Tom's eyes were softer, much more warm and inviting. It made her smile feel more genuine. 

"Hi baby," she told him, voice croaky, but he passed it off thinking it was from the sleep. "I love you," she told him, resting her hand on top of his.   
"I love you too," he laughed out, a giddy happiness overtaking him. 

'Yes,' she thought, 'this was the right decision, the best decision for me... and him.'

*****

Every year, on the same two days, Y/n would receive a single flower. On the day that arrived first, a sunflower. On the day that arrived second, a daisy. 

She looked forward to it every year, and she would keep them alive as long as she could. They mattered. 

She received them every year without fail. Even after she was married, even after children, even when she was old and grey. And after she passed, they were left at her grave. Never a return address, never a name, only the flowers, but she knew. 

They never really talked again. They would see each other, they would stare, they would remember, but they never really talked. But they would always have the memories. 


End file.
